The Frozen Fool: of He and She
Rumbling down Pearl Street, her hands wrapped around his soft, middle-aged belly, she could feel into a different moment in time. A moment where they were new to each other, fresh into the existence of them, an entity not yet formed.
This is how we began, she let slip out aloud. Despite the noise of the muffler, he had heard her. His usual frozen and stilled response: Absolutely, he sped them away.
She knew his refusal, to feel into the moment. Just like the millions before.
It was the reason for the breaking apart, of he and she. It was the cause, that they were no more. He could not allow himself to feel into the flow of her. It was what she needed most. It was what he refused to give.
She drove up the Canyon that night, breaking apart as she had done so many evenings before. Falling down, praying herself to safety before it all came undone. Wanting to reach out, knowing he would not be there. Never could be, that was her reality. Her open and flowing heart was always too much for him to bear.
How could she continue, after nineteen years of he and she, after three hundred sixty-five days a year, without feeling the absence of he? How could she see, into her future still unknown, without him in her life, how could she see, that he could find a life with another?
To have known another human being in this her life, the cells and the soul,
To bond more intimately than she had bonded to herself,
To the moment at arms-length, within sight yet not in reach,
To know it, to feel into it,
To sense and to smell it,
To intuit into her heart,
To feel it in the breath her soul,
To step away – be forced – time and again –
She could bear no more her broken heart,
She could feel no more, he would never trust her again
It was she who cried Uncle, it was she who broke –
To feel it all and the longing of their visceral bond, and know it could never be hers forever and no more –
I loved you more than anyone ever will in this short life, she cried.
And you, the Frozen Fool, could not reach deep into your heart at the moment of my asking, and find within it your love for me.